Often at the bus stop
the countdown don’t countdown
or at least seems wildly contradictory
and you’re the first to arrive but the last to leave.
Soon as you think – fuck it, I’ll walk
you get:
– excuse me. Can you buy me chicken and chips? The thing is-
– er, no.
This guy had taken to saying ‘I love you’
Out loud
Before he went to bed.
Who to?
His dead CAT
The LOVER he didn’t have?
CHRIST
Synthetic securities.
Yeah I’m talking to myself
he said to himself
pulled apart, limb from limb, by the mind.
I think lies slip out of lonely people,
unintentionally.
They fantasise to such an extent they create a new reality presented as the truth
She said:
‘Life’s not what they tell you it’ll be like when you’re young, is it?’
‘They didn’t tell me anything,’ he replied
He had an unwelcome ability
to look like he was always lying
Disappointment tethered his passion
He let not his passion run free
For fear of disappointment
Disappointment, which,
Gave him endless patience
He expected nothing
He was (or had been) a procrastinator
He was
too calculated
too formulaic
too ordered
And the only
Logical Conclusion
to the Tyranny of Desire
was surely to go celibate
All confidence (even basic competence) disappeared in the company of others
She, she was like a lone wild animal. Hateful and fearful of newcomers
And she took the piss – and would offend – because she assumed people were doing it to her
The arrogance of the world made her feel tired
‘My head feels heavy and tight,’ she said
But she was closer to fifty than eighteen and she was worried about rules?
The weak hide behind rules, real or imaginary
‘I feel like a nervous traveller on the beach. Eager to try and claim it’
She started to sleep on the other side of the bed
The usual side had become a crater
Empty of late
As I spoke to her, I felt her anxiety grow
Anxiety for a mistake she didn’t yet know
And I remembered early on in the States trip Taboo saying he felt he’d made a lot of mistakes and I remember laughing, going ‘oh, don’t worry, we all have, all do, all the time’.
Then the horrible truth smacked me in the
Gizzards.
I was in the middle of a gargantuan mistake
At that very moment
And I was kind of aware of it
But trying not to let it smash me, which it did, eventually and totally, for quite some time
What if I had stayed in Bolivia?
I’ll think that forever I’m sure
It was like reading a book or watching a film
and not being aware of the subtext
BUT she said
She was a bit of a bully. Residually. That’s why she took the piss. ‘I’m too hard on myself,’ she made clear.
‘I don’t quite believe my masculinity,’ he said. ‘I say things to myself that I know I won’t do. I am Einstein’s definition of insanity.’
The heart will stay sinister
Til the heart knows love
They were suited.
Events, remember
Everything else is pissing in a moderate wind
There’s no room for the intellect in a kiss
I thought it had been a fat woman
Turns out it was a thin man
God help me on a backstage of blood and deception
I was off again
And then a girl I was soon to part from
Texted
To say
HOPE YOU’RE PROGRESSING WELL
Lovely stuff!
Another asked if liked Theatre Without Music
What, theatre? I replied
I still had the sensation in my mouth of her lone nipple hair protruding from the middle of her plump nip.
I could still sense it on my tongue
Then came ¾ woman. God knows who that was
Often on a date
there’s one who talks for their own amusement
filling the void left
by the absence of attraction
Pages fall from the magazine onto the tube floor
Maybe he notices, maybe he doesn’t
Two old women sat across from him see it.
One makes a slight move to the page
Then aborts
Too far? Too painful on her back? Too lacking in import?
Plus he’s noticed, she thinks
The girl next to the dropper exaggerates the thousand yard stare
The pages stay in situ.
A betrayed man betrays
with all the subtlety of a pub band drummer
Bad tits are like kneading runny bread
said a man with a sloppy gut
and runny tits of his own
And a room full of typing
Sounds like the rain.
The fact I am supportive of her going away is as much (if not totally) to do with where I am in life and the (relative) strength of my feelings for her
It is not (necessarily) a symbol of my openness and lack of jealousy
and every waste of money
‘is good for the economy’
(whatever that means)
His breath started to smell like a pub you could smoke in
A pub that stank of hairdressers and alcoholic granddads
She ate the crisps. They made her feel sick and heavy
Then, not long after:
– Toasted organic rye with notella and banana with oatmilk coffee and coconut sugar to sweeten
– Nutella?
– Notella is dairy free and sugar free x
– hmmmmm sounds good! No palm oil i hope!! xx
Her mother had invented sugar-free toothpaste And as a consequence
The family were set up for life
He was a beautiful boy
She looked at him from over the tracks
Almost nervous
As if thinking
‘My God, he does exist’
Just say hello!
But she thought: I’m gonna squid up
Happiness is something that happens to normal people
‘Mastadons – what are they? dinosuars? or what?’
And
‘When did everything get reduced to airport code?’
A new LDN PRK in LSQ. FFS
But in the park in the sun
People who wear many clothes look dodgy
Jeans
Jacket
Beanie
MATE, it’s HOT!
Late news: There are calls for tanning licenses to be compulsory for all sunbed users. They’re coming out burnt as a crisp at the minute. Barbecue summer…
Just before you go: ‘I don’t like young things. I like the taste of experience. Chirac wept when he ate his late Ortolan.’
Sigmund Fraud Books 