In the future, this is the type of medical advice we can expect

Greetings Campers,

Here’s something to tickle your literary taste buds:

“As we know, an ideal of our Government is to facilitate, and that is one of our remits. So,” and with that she pulled a hemp purse from her white apron, held together with a thread made of natural fibres. In a show of mock rebellion she untied the packet and tossed the thread to the ground. She then pulled a thin sheet of foil from the pouch, screwed it up and again threw it to the ground, smiling at her enraptured audience as she did so.

“Now,” she said, “I’m going to join you, so you won’t be alone.”

There was disbelief as she started passing round cigarettes to the group of worried faces, who received them completely dumbfounded. A weaponed guard produced a black lighter and started to ignite each individual’s cigarette.

“What, you want us to smoke them?” came a quiet voice.

“That’s right, Clyde. Breathe in that new experience.”

There was a cacophony of spluttering, wheezing and a haze of smoke. Clyde was looking doubtful at the object in his left hand, letting it smoke in front of him, holding it between thumb and forefinger.

“I don’t want to, Doctor.”

“But it’s a new experience for you. And that enriches the soul.” She walked towards him. “Look, I’ll do it with you,” and she inhaled, seductively so, thought Pontiff.

“Come on Clyde… For me?” She lowered her head slightly to look straight into his eyes.

“Dirty bitch,” Pontiff whispered to himself, in a state of semi-awe. The doctor seemed younger in these moments with an easy, elegant feminine charm. She looked smaller, though no less authoritative. She was compelling in her playful, girl-like manner and succeeded in teasing and tempting Clyde into trying smoking.

“Well done,” she said, with a ruffle of Clyde’s hair. He wasn’t convinced.

“But the important thing is that you tried. Your life is now fuller.”

At that, a girl emptied her stomach, a sort of carrot-tomato compote, all over the white floor. Pontiff laughed loudly.

– Extract from The People’s Republic of Absurdia by Ed Spencer (Sigmund Fraud Books, 2016)

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