New Year Hopes 2019 or: Gertrude, he just showed me his Mortimer’s Orchard

Greetings Lovers…

Hope you’ve all peeled yourself off whatever bathroom floor you found yourself on on New Year’s Day. I finally have use of my hands again so I thought I’d pop something into the ether about the coming (It’s arrived – ed.) year…


Anyone live with someone that does all their washing up but leaves that one knife and plate you used? Fucking annoying aint it? I mean, what the fuck? What is going on in these people’s heads?

The Hope: These people grow up and stop tryna make some utterly pointless and really rather hostile point. (I’ve cleaned your rice off a sieve for fuck’s sake…)


I wish you all all the best. Except the ones that call themselves “write-abouters”. You need to get a grip.


We’d love a few more people to buy our books. Granted, we’re a bit of a half-cut, half-arsed operation, but our books are great, as are the people we commune with. But mainly, the books are fucking good. It’d be nice if some more got finished, eh?


As right-wing hostility builds towards the souls trying to cross the English Channel in dinghies, I think it’s worth remembering that if you’re prepared to risk your life on a shit boat crossing the busiest shipping lane in the world, you’re not doing it for a laugh.

While we’re at it, it’d be nice if rather than putting the Fire Brigade on trial re Grenfell, we actually had a word with the folk responsible for the cladding and the decisions that led it to being on that building, rather than the people that TRIED TO SAVE LIVES. They were faced with an unprecedented situation that no one had ever seen before. They were there because the rich folk over the way found the building a bit of an eyesore, hence that cladding was put on. But yeah, sure, let’s blame the fireman.


As negotiating a Brexit Deal will be like jury service in the future (the letter will read: ‘Your go mate. Winner stays on.’), please can I ask not to go first. Ta.

This list is by no means exhaustive. It may be added to later.

What about you? What goose do you hope gets cooked this year?

Answers on a postcard… or just below this if that’s easier.

Stay sexy yeah x

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